Super Bowl 2021: Cassie’s Keto Cavalcade

I know what you’re thinking.

“Whoa…this witchy chick likes football? Likes team sports in general? That doesn’t fit the spiritually minded stereotype!”

I like to think that “breaking the mold” is my default setting, and yeah, that works here. 

I LOVE the Super Bowl. I’m a huge football fan! Well before I understood how the game was played, I knew it was my kind of sport. Imagine adolescent Cassie’s disappointment when she learned that “girl’s don’t play football.” This was the early 2000s, so I’m really glad to see the Sarah Fullers, the Toni Harrises, the Tonya Butlers stealing the oxygen from that outdated rule with every passing year. Not to mention Sarah Thomas who is making history on Sunday as the first woman to referee a Super Bowl, and we even have Jennifer King who the Washington Football Team just promoted to Assistant Coach a few days ago, the first black woman (and only the second woman) to do so in the history of the NFL! 

So for those of you still on the fence, football is for women, too, and we’re here to enjoy it. 

As if I didn’t start off controversially enough, let’s talk about Tom Brady. Love him or hate him, he’s unequivocally the Greatest Of All Time. I happen to love him, even as he took over for my alma mater’s claim-to-fame (Bledsoe) back in the day. The game he plays is immaculate, and that cannot be stated without acknowledging how long he’s been in it. He not only holds the record for most games played as a quarterback, but as a skill position player, which means that he’s also outranked wide receivers, running backs and tight ends in that category. A true testament to his longevity, though certainly not his most impressive feat. I’d say his six rings (and looking for that seventh this weekend) would take that moniker. 

Crabs In a Bucket

Brady’s detractors remind me (a former competitive swimmer and coach) of something my dad said back in 2008 when Michael Phelps set the record for most Olympic Gold medals in one Games, “Everybody hates a winner.” I couldn’t understand when faced with excellence, why many people would rather poke holes (Deflate-gate…as a chemist, let me introduce you to the Ideal Gas Law) than celebrate man’s achievements. At least, I couldn’t understand it until I discovered the “crabs in a bucket” mentality. 

If this is your first time hearing about crabs in a bucket, no worries, it’s a fairly easy concept to grasp. The harder part is recognizing how it presents in our own lives. As a woman, the most blinding example of this is the diet industry, the fashion industry, the “anything-to-police-women’s-bodies” industry. Just look at how parts of the body positivity movement became about skinny shaming, rather than acceptance of all shapes, sizes, and colors. For so long, fat-shaming was the norm, that the moment the pendulum started to slip, it swung completely in the opposite direction, harming the body image of just as many women on the “other side” of the body type spectrum. I’m optimistic that it seems the pendulum is finally coming back into equilibrium, and letting bodies be bodies. Instead of blaming women born one way or another and content, instead of blaming women born one way or another and looking to change, instead of blaming women born one way or another who’ve dedicated their lives to athletic achievement and can’t make muscle disappear to fit in their jeans, let’s celebrate each other and our life choices. 

As someone who lands in the latter two categories, it’s tough. I’ve known for a while which way of eating actually makes me feel healthy (intermittent fasting, and low-carb), but I’ve also known that emotional triggers about my body cause me to forgo what physically feels good, and feed the shame instead. My ideal weight journey has been up-and-down for nearly seven years now. The first few years were figuring out what foods made my stomach feel balanced, the next few years were figuring out which exercise made my stress feel manageable, and the most recent years have been figuring out why the hell making my body and hormones content didn’t lead to my head feeling the same. 

Nature, nurture, natal chart…I’m fickle!

It didn’t help that every time I found the next puzzle piece of what made me feel “on the level” there was a well-meaning family member or friend telling me I was doing something wrong.

You can’t skip breakfast, it’s the most important meal of the day!”

Eating breakfast has made me feel nauseous (and occasionally vomit) since I was a kid with cereal and morning cartoons. I think I’ll trust my body.

“You need more calories than you’re consuming, you’re losing weight too quickly.”

Well, it’s a very fine line between losing weight, maintaining, and gaining it, not to mention my blood work never shows any nutrient deficiencies. I think I’ll trust my body.

“You’re not unhealthy, you look so sexy. Whatever the scale says, it’s just your boobs.”

While I have always been cartoonishly top-heavy, it certainly doesn’t make up for the full 40 pounds overweight I currently am, or the fact that I feel yucky at this weight. I think I’ll trust my body.

I know many of us have heard similar detractions for our body goals over the years, and let this be our call to STOP. 

Bodies are so complex, there’s no one-size-fits-all…there never was. I’d like to illustrate here what has worked for my ideal body goals, even after I fell off the wagon, and if it sounds like something that will work for you, great! If not, take it with a grain of salt, and do you, girl! 

As previously mentioned, I fast intermittently every day, as well as keep my net carbohydrates below 50 grams. My goal is fat loss at the moment, and maintaining my muscle mass. It took a lifetime to build my strength, I’m keeping it. I also want to show it off, duh! I admit, since I started keeping my carbs well below average seven years ago, it’s gotten significantly easier to maintain. Just being able to purchase pre-riced cauliflower and cauliflower pizza crusts in stores has greatly improved my lazy cooking ability to stick with my preferred way of eating. 

When I met my S.O., he was skeptical at best of my food choices. To be fair, one of my favorite snacks is cheddar cheese slices with a bit of peanut butter on top, so I don’t blame him (don’t knock it ‘til you try it). But I think what worried him the most was that I preferred hot wings to pizza, and couldn’t care less about rice or pasta. He was FLOORED. My parents, upon learning that no, I never really liked spaghetti growing up, and if I had it my way, I’d have picked the egg and pork bits out of fried rice and left the rest, they started to come around. Though beer…that’s the hard one. I am grateful every day that whiskey and gin are carb-free, and Guinness is only 4.9 carbs per pint. That means I can have 10 pints in a day, and still eat plenty of buttered meat and veg to make up for binge-drinking 10 beers. 

Calories are a different story, however.

If any of the above sounds like you, have I got some tips for keeping your New Year’s Ideal Body resolution during the Super Bowl this Sunday!

Introducing: Cassie’s Keto Cavalcade! (of new food and drink, for ideal body purposes) 

Agua Bucha

First of all, YES. Second of all? YUM. The perfect balance of kombucha and citrus-flavored sparkling water. If you love the sour taste of kombucha but are grossed out by the mother, this is perfect for you! Provided you are also a La Croix fiend, especially Pamplemousse (we all know it’s the best one, sit your Coconut ass down) because the Meyer Lemon, Key Lime, and Grapefruit flavors available out of the Tampa Area-based Mother Kombucha are DIVINE. I can’t stop chugging these.

They work well as a mixer, too, in case you’re wanting to hydrate while pre-gaming. 

Tactical Tacos Hot Sauce

If you’ve ever spoken with me on anything food-related, I always steer the conversation towards how much I love hot sauce and spicy foods. Seriously, I cannot get enough HEAT. I remember my first time trying the ghost pepper sauce at my favorite wing place in Austin, and simultaneously regretting it and begging for more.

I mean, chef’s kiss, once you get over the pain aspect.

Tactical Tacos does have a ghost pepper hot sauce available, but if you’re looking for a milder enjoyment of the spicier side of life, their jalapeno and habanero sauces are absolutely perfect. I threw them on a couple breakfast tacos (on cauliflower egg wraps, who knew!) for dinner the other night, and found myself adding more to each bite.

These apparently work really well as marinades, too, and I’m excited to pick up some wings for the weekend and test this theory out!

For Joy CBD-Infused Iced Tea

Who doesn’t love the CBD train, seriously? I don’t even care if it “works” for you or not (it does), it’s just scientifically cool. When I worked in forensics, I was fascinated by the goodies Colorado-based dispensaries and growers were able to cram the THC in. I mean, I know it’s not my thing, but the way some of those candies and baked goods smelled was enticing. It’s really fun to see that with CBD products as well, health benefits of the substance aside.

For Joy does CBD treats AND iced tea justice. They currently only have three flavors, but those three flavors are executed perfectly. I appreciate being able to change up my still/sparkling water slump without breaking my fast with the OG Hint of Sweetness flavor. Meyer Lemon Ginger and Strawberry Mint are a bit too calorie-heavy to justify drinking mid-fast, but are absolutely better than soda on the sugar content, which will keep parents and kids happy on Sunday.

Sukrin Gold Brown Sugar Alternative

I remember when Splenda’s baking blend first became available because my Grandma was ecstatic. Her oldest (my uncle) is diabetic, and now she could make him sugar-free lemon meringue pie at holidays! But as my dad will tell you, sugar substitutes taste funky, and that lemon meringue (of which my Grandma always nailed) was no longer everyone’s favorite pie.

Since choosing the low carb life, baking has been increasingly difficult for me. I learned how from my Grandma, and now that she’s passed, I keep her alive with me by honing my skills. In college it was great because there was always someone else to eat the goods with me. Before the pandemic, I could at least bring my treats to work.

Now, it’s just me and my boyfriend at home, and though he will absolutely eat an entire pan of brownies if given the opportunity, I don’t want to wreck his ideal body goals by doing so. Enter erythritol-based baking sugar alternatives! Of which Sukrin Gold is the *premier* example.

My peasant income had settled on xylitol (which still works great), but now that I’ve tasted keto sweet heaven, I’m probably going to bake a lot more sparingly just to stick with Sukrin. It makes a real difference, especially given that caramel-ly flavor brown sugar is known for is difficult to replicate.

If you’re someone that struggles with GI distress from “sugar-free” sweets, check if it’s maltitol you struggle with, rather than all sugar alcohols, and give erythritol a try! You might be surprised.

nuJo Prebiotic Drink

This was the drink that surprised me the most of the three listed. It’s billed as an alternative to coffee, without any caffeine, AND as a prebiotic “superfood.” The image on the box explains prebiotics as green “dots” and probiotics as a Pacman-esque shape that eats the dots. Basically, you gotta feed your gut healthy stuff so the good stuff can thrive. And if flavor is any indication, nuJo is chock-full of healthy stuff! I’ve had it hot and cold and, like coffee, it’s delicious both ways.

Akin to the For Joy OG Hint of Sweetness Iced Tea, this also won’t break your fast, nor will it mess up your sleep schedule. I was expecting this drink to be good, but still found myself surprised by how much I liked it. And so none of you have to find out on your own, I took one for the team and discovered how quickly the drink gets bitter when made hot.

Trust me, follow the directions on the steeping bags and DON’T STEEP PAST 3 MINUTES. It matters. 

If you’re still here and you’re thinking, yeesh, that’s a lot of pre-planning just for the big game…whatever happened to little smokies in the crockpot? Or pinwheel cream cheese and lunch meat wraps? Hell, chips and dip! (cough, don’t forget the pork rinds.) You know, the easy stuff that will keep most of us sated while enjoying our libations and cheering for (or against) our chosen teams?

Well my response to you is if you know that one day in February won’t derail your goals, so much power to you! But if you’re someone who falls off the wagon of health because it’s not easy to put your needs above the needs of your host/family/friends/any and all others, then at least you can know someone out there (i.e. me) is rooting for your success, rooting for you to DO YOU, because you’re the only one who can.